I thought I could do this. I was so wrong, I should have known. Everyone’s right I’m always thinking about myself. Just look at how many times I have used ‘I’ within a few seconds. This is ridiculous. My mind cannot betray the decision I took after a lot of contemplation. I’m not going to back out now. A decision has been made. If I go back on my words the bouts of depression and hopelessness will start to engulf me again. I need to end this. Okay I’m ready…
After repeatedly thinking about her action, she takes a deep breath and looks down from the roof top. A sea of people are floating like rhythmic waves. Its midweek and early hours. Everyone is going on about their business. Some are running to catch the bus, others are walking to their workplace after parking their vehicles nearby. Their walks are varied. Some are slouched while others are braving their temptation to run back to their warm beds. Even though it looks as if they can all see each other; the people down on the road and the street are living in their own bubbles, passing by, oblivious to one another’s existence. Such is life in this big city.
From up so high the morning crowd seems like ants. A gush of unexpected wind suddenly takes her petite body by surprise. She is brought back to her own bubble. The wind has unsettled her further. It seems as if the change in weather from warm sunny morning to cloudy and windy has weakened her resolution. Her heart beat is so fast it seems like it’s a runner in the Olympics focused on the trophy.
I think my vision is blurring. It’s this skyscraper. These modern structures of human creativity is rubbish. They make twisting and twirling, zig zagging, needle like, oval shape weird architectural designs and think themselves creative beings. It is buildings you are making not candy for the kids! GRRR. What happened to the good old times that Mama tells me about, when life was simple and building used to be straight blocks standing to an average height.
The height is nauseating. The people down there on the ground look so surreal. The wind up here so unnatural. My feet are all sweaty. My forehead is damp despite the cold breeze. Maybe I should not take such a drastic step. Maybe I should wait. The fruits of patience are juicy, ripe and sweet says Mama. Perhaps she is right.
Once again she is having second thoughts. The laughter, the fun, the jokes, going out for hunting, meeting new families – all the good memories slipped into the folds of her chaotic brain. There is a tall tree standing odd along the building where she stands. The leaves dance to the breeze. The birds perched on the branches are twittering and fluttering their wings. They are busy bodies gossiping away about their lives. They are unaware of her tiny existence and her life changing or so to say life ending decision.
Time is flying, it is slipping like good quality silk. Either its now or never. I cannot take this anymore. I have to free myself from this caged life. It is definitely better to just go. Forever.
In a matter of a tiniest second she let it go. She gave in to her numb feeling and slid her tiny foot towards the edge of the roof top. If someone was watching her from a distance, it would seem like an unseen supernatural force pushed her over the edge. It wasn’t the case. It was what she wanted. Something she had been planning on for weeks. The day she was born, it was known to everyone that she lacked the swiftness, the intelligence and quickness are clan is famous for. Everyone knew, she would take her time. She was not ready like her other cousins. If anyone from her family had seen her now, at this moment of unusual bravery, they would have gaped and gaped until their jaws felt sour.
OH MY GOD. I CANNOT HAVE DONE THAT. WHAT WAS I THINKING. I HAVE JUMPED. I M FALLING. OH MY GOD. THIS REALITY IS A NIGHTMARE. IT CANNOT BE TRUE. MY DREAM SHOULD END NOW. MAMA SHOULD WAKE UP ME FOR SUPPER.
The speedy windy jostled her entire frame. She fell at a speed of a fierce meteor. She screamed at the top of her lungs. Her throat went dry like the Sahara dessert. For a second she felt her heart had torn out of her chest, falling down behind her on its own pace. But she was alive. Through her beady eyes she looked down and gasped. Nothing was in focus. It was the blue sky and fleecy clouds surrounding her.
I’ m alive. I have to get a grip on my senses. I’m falling but I haven’t fell. I haven’t yet crashed and squished to the concrete ground where all the busy people are walking and running and driving their cars. I cannot fall in the midst of the egocentric human beings who I’m sure would not even give me a second look when I m sprawled there on the road. I will not let the fake pity in their eyes haunt me. No I have to stop falling. This was not my plan. I was not standing there on that ugly skyscraper to fall ungracefully like a bozo. I have to enjoy and live the moment. Yes I’m crazy. I will live til I die. I need to recall the lessons Mama gave me each morning. Maybe I won’t die after all. It’s all in my wings.
As if hit by a random epiphany floating in the cloudy sky, she opened her wings and held them out with all her might. She tilted herself slightly, keeping her wings outstretched against the powerful wind. Her flight began to turn steady. She wasn’t loosing her balance. The wind was not against her anymore. Below her the people, cars and houses appeared bigger than before. She was gliding downwards gracefully. She flapped her wings once and then again beating with the rhythm of the music around her. A warm placid sun ray peeked out from the mass of clouds. It shone in her eyes and hugged her as if celebrating her first flight. She swirled at this point and nose dived towards the busy city, heading towards her nest.
It was time to go home.