acceptance of denial

Monologue of ‘shallow’ on the stage of life. Somewhere down the stage, the audience sat, breathing in silence as the voice echoed around them.

i often ask God why He never listens to me. I find myself whining and complaining about all the blessings He hasnt blessed me with. Tired and impatient from the silence i blame others and pity myself. I make a decision. I decide I’m not going to pray anymore.
I stop praying.
I never go back to him.
I quit.
I stop unfolding my prayer mat until cobwebs take their place and memory refuses to place them on the call to prayer. Thus begins the journey of denial. Solace and ‘peace’ embrace me to this new world. I’m welcomed warmly, my cheeks glow red, eyes shine..tears..I’m overwhelmed…

I never look back at what i’ve left behind because i am a quitter. There is no going back, i think to myself. He never listens anyway. He enjoys it when i beg. A meagre slave I was. Now its freedom. I have broken the shackles of slavery. No prayers. no expectations and no fulfillment. A life of denial, no questions and no answers. no soul…

The air is fresh, grass greener but no one to beg to. No one to speak to. no one to hear me. no one to quietly absorb all my fears in nights of hopelessness and despair. no one to bring a dawn pregnant of hope and fulfillment. i am free…of everything. empty and hollow…no pain no joy no…

The world of denial- fresher and greener- thats where it ends. Everyone here whines, they are kings of blaming thrones, masters of complaining and architects of their own fates… the journey to this world is no more. it was short, quick and less tiring…comfortable too perhaps…

Idle and empty i dare to look back to the life before denial. The journey was long, tiring, slow at times and transforming. There were changing sceneries. Hurdles in the way, success and failure- comfortable? well sometimes. It was warm and cold. Sometimes desert and sometimes water. Tears and smiles side by side. Rain and sunshine. The walks were shadowed and windy. It was full. There was someone to talk to in moments when no one else did. The nights were long and deep with unfulfilled wishes and dreams but there was someone listening to it all…

Look…there is a glass of water that stands silently on the round petite table in the center. it was abandoned after i left. Now Sun casts its magical beams on the glass. The water shimmers, diamonds float on the surface. Only now did i notice it is half full…I wonder how on other occasions it was always half empty.

Curtains sail in slow rhythms to a music in the background. Shallow sits staring long at the glass. stage lights grow dimmer and dimmer until only a few diamonds sparkle inside the glass and illuminate shallow’s face- audience catches a glimpse of it before the curtains finally meet.


7 thoughts on “acceptance of denial

  1. MJ says:

    purple, thats kind of you. thanks 🙂smacula, i think where i went, illusion got the better of me..i thought its greener. it was just a disguise…utp, i get what you mean 🙂 thanks. but i was thinking, now my recent post would have disappointed you, far from the blog art :/

  2. Hay hay hay hay hay ..Sounds so familiar,except that in my case i wander away either because of my desire to sin or just because of my lazy bones. (Oops) N BTW i like ur ”Takhayyul ki buland pervazzi”.

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